한 남자의 암투병생존기. 이 책은 2007년 출간되었던 ‘마따이따이 하록선장 다시날다’ 개정영문판이다. 32살 한창인 나이에 희귀암인 상악동암에 걸린 청년은 생사의 갈림길에서 기적의 생존을 한다. 그가 살 수 있었던 단 하나의 이유는 오로지 어머니에 대한 사랑 덕분이었다. 그는 말기암과의 분투에서 삶의 끈을 절대로 놓지 않았고, 결국 살 수 있었다. 과거에 집착하면 매일 조금씩 죽게 된다는 그가 남기는 말을 통해 우리는 죽음의 문턱까지 갔다가 살아 돌아온 그의 뜨거운 생존본능에 경의를 표하게 된다. I lost more than half of the gums and the facial bones inside of my mouth.
There is only skin covered in the left part of my face and inside of it is empty. As you might get the reason when you read this book, what happened was my face turned into what I've got now in exchange for saving or extending my life after 12 hours long surgery. By extracting the whole skeleton to shape the left part of the face, the half of the facial bone including the half of gums are gone. With no facial skeleton to shape the face, fortunately, in the process of surgery, they inserted some flash of my right thigh under the facial skin, so that only a hollow exists under the left eye when you look into my face. This way the shape of my face can be maintained, however, having the gums and facial skeleton gone, I cannot speak a word without the prosthetic apparatus in my mouth.
You can use your imagination. If possible, I want you to think of an orange peeled off, having the substance taken out, and covered up with its skin again. And to replace the content taken out, you put in some of other orange content under the your orange skin just not to be sunken. Also, whenever you eat, you should have the weird experience to feel your food coming up inside of your left eye until you die. Of course this is because my gums and facial bones are gone, and what is happening when I eat without the prosthetic apparatus. Even with the assistance of the prosthetic apparatus, with no bones to support it, the situation is not much different.
No matter what, I have lived this abnormal life for 1 year out of 34 years of my life, and have to keep living until the day I die. I have a face deformation handicap, a language handicap, being a cancer patient suffering from the rare disease called maxillary sinus cancer. I am the person with the tragic destiny, who suffer from serious illness and handicaps. One time, I used to resent my destiny. However, I am accepting my tragic and strange destiny with calmness.
This book contains these stories. Assuming we had God, I denied God and analyzed and criticized him scientifically all the time. However, I got to know through some motive that believing in God leads the hopeful life practicing love, and God is not the object of denial and criticism. Having said that, this is not a theology book. This is mere my personal record of my life, written by the desire to share hopes with the people neglected and suffering in the world through this book. I am hoping that the hope of happiness can be spread in the world even though you are very sad now. Would it be true that sadness maybe the joy misunderstood?
If you stick to your past, you die everyday little by little.
There is a story titled "Frankenstein". This story contains the tragedy happening between the horrible creature made from the human desire and its creator. You may be aware how "Frankenstein" looks like, which has the entangled scars of needle stitches on the face, as this stitched up body got revived by strike of lightening, after the creator connected many patch works taken from the dead bodies' skin and gave the human shape.
For fear of checking up my transformed face after the 12 hours long major surgery, or fear of my weakened willingness to live and fight disease from seeing my deformed face, I could not see my face for one week. Moving out from the intensive care unit to the regular patient room, finally I checked my face to find out my face was nothing but a patch work itself. It was equivalent to Frankenstein's face. My appearance at that time, having entangled scars in the face with the more than 1,000 stitches resembled exactly Frankenstein.
This is how I was just one year ago. One more similarity was cutting my thigh 20 cm and taking the flash to fill in my empty face, except the patch work from the left over parts of the dead body in the grave yard. Frankenstein earned the life from the strike of lightning. I also earned my life back from the lightning of life from the abyss of despair.
Here, "Invitation to Frankenstein" is equal to "Invitation to myself." However, I am sure the ending would differ. The tragic ending of Frankenstein will not be my ending. Frankenstein died in misery but I don't want to die that way. I want to live. No, I have to live. The reason for human to fear death is because the life is precious. I fear death. I love my life as much as I fear death. Even if I share the tragic destiny with Frankenstein, I wrote this book with the heart to make a toast for the life I have lived and the life I would live. So, even though I have things in common with Frankenstein in the appearance, I like to give a cry like this in this book.
Cheers for the life even if my life has been empty and meaningless! But, if the life was precious and worth living, cheers for that too! And then I think. Which one is more miserable, if there are people who cannot cry in the pain and people who cannot enjoy life full of happiness? If you can find the hopeful answer in the end of this book, I will take it rewarding. So, shall we make a toast again together! And, Mother! I love you!
Preface 5
1. The time of denial
-The death of the alive 19
Moses is the expert of showmanship 21
Don't pick your nose mindlessly 21
Is Moses's miracle a show? 23
Jesus is a twin 33
Only mother knows the secret of birth 33
Tracing the birth of Jesus 35
Jesus resurrected in 3 days of death 39
The Magic of Maria 46
David Capperfield, Jesus 46
Frankenstein's invitation and a miracle 52
The invitation to myself 52
And a miracle and salvation 55
2. Blissful pain
-The stairway to happiness is slippery 59
The function failure of the left nostril 61
We should drill a 2 by 2 cm hole in the roof of your mouth 61
Where the compass of my destiny is headed? 67
The hell experience 71
The sunlight was beating down, like a scorching sun, but extremely warm and cozy 71
The floor was full of dust as if nobody were there for a long time 75
A hand was coming out gently between the doors, somebody came out after a while 77
You shouldn't go there 80
Don't worry! He is Korea No.1 in Korea 84
In the tunnel of despair 84
Losing the half of my face 95
I vaguely saw my mother get down and cry 95
The smile was calmness disguising sadness 99
Let us keep your left eyeball 109
A round blood cloth sized 10 cm in diameter 109
I want to live as much as I die for it 119
Namely, the feeding tube insertion 119
Extreme sadness does not last very long 122
I will let you hurt a little less 129
My left eyeball that survived and my soul were mutually communicating 129
Ouch, Sir, beside me, please untie me! 136
Shitting 5 times in the bedpan 143
Digging the flash in my thigh 151
Here, it hurts so bad here 153
Anyway, still an animal when eating 159
Everytime of eating, "the nose squeezing" 159
Taking a little break when it was hard 167
Like an atomic bomb victim 167
I had bloody stool(?) literally at that time! 174
Having wanted to live so bad, please let me die now 177
A wad of hair fell out 177
Having wanted to live so bad, please let me die now 186
Christmas experience 190
The Hardship creates patience 190
The life of human being is "well existing" 193
Frankenstein becoming "David"! 196
Mataitai Christmas experience 200
3. Easter of my heart
-Hope is the bread for the poor 211
Can I live now? 213
Sep.13, 2007, my Easter and my excuse 213
Have three of my back teeth pulled out on the right and half of my fore tooth grinded! 218
That is Trinity 224
The Father, the Son and the Holy spirit 224
Where is the star of one's destiny? 231
Now I survived one year! 231
People needed in the world 238
Looking for the compass directing life 243
Bald head 243
The flower languages for the rape flower is "brightness, cheerfulness"! 251
The cape of Good hope 261
Looking for the value of the service without the selfish interest for the common good 261
Poverty is the seed of the tree called a child's cry 266
Captain Harock rising up again! 276
Captain Harock is wearing one-eyed patch, I am wering one-eyed glass 276
The world Peniel is dreaming! 281
The medicine to cure misery is hope only 285
[Appendix 1] 295
"My life, my dream, my work, looking back and forward" - Sang-Yun Lee 295
[Appendix 2] 305
Is the success of the welfare hospital and the local free study center possible? 305
WHO IS SANG-YUN LEE? 319
Reference 353
